“No time is the perfect time.” That’s a message we hear a lot on the sappy, feel-good TV shows we all know and love. Look at Jane the Virgin. Getting accidentally artificially inseminated before you’ve launched your career or gotten married isn’t ideal; it’s ridiculous. But even though her careful plans are thrown out the window, Jane still crushes motherhood — and goes to grad school, lands a great job, and has no shortage of excitement in the romance department. The show implies that you don’t need to tick everything off your To Do list before becoming a mom.
Grey’s Anatomy is even more blunt. When Miranda’s asked, “when’s the best time to have children?” she responds: “never.” Then, she lists all the complaints she has about children, based on raising her own son: “They cry all the time, nonstop. They never sleep. They’re terrible conversationalists. And they take everything you got — all your time, all your focus, all your patience, all your sleep. Everything until you’ve got nothing left for you.” Despite that, though, Miranda starts talking about “the irrational, unbridled joy” she felt when she heard her son pronounce the letter “K.” In other words, the terrible parts of parenthood turn out to be worth it, thanks to the good parts. So, she warns: “if you’re waiting for the perfect time to have kids, you’re never going to have kids.”
As much as I love Miranda, I disagree with her on this one. Some ages and life stages are certainly better to have kids than others. You only have to watch a few minutes of 16 and Pregnant to see that.
But the real problem isn’t knowing what timing is perfect; we’ve got plenty of research to tell us that. The problem is executing that timing: actually having a baby at the optimal age and life stage. There are trillions of opinions floating around out there, pressuring people to live their lives in all sorts of conflicting ways. We’re bombarded with these messages every day — and that’s just from TV, never mind your friends, family, co-workers, and random strangers who feel entitled to give you their two cents. These beliefs sway our behaviour. No, not all on their own; I know we don’t live in a vacuum where popular opinion single-handedly brainwashes us to act a certain way. But beliefs interact with other factors — financial stability, upbringing, your age, partnership status, and more — to shape our choices.
And these beliefs aren’t always in our best interest. Think about the Baby Boomer belief that Millennials need to settle down and have kids ASAP. That timing won’t work for the Millennial who can’t find a job, nor for the Millennial who’ll be in med school for the next five years. Or think about the conservative belief that abortion is not an option. Did the 16 and Pregnant clip somehow obscure the disastrous consequences of accidental teen pregnancy? Even though they’re harmful, these beliefs still impact people’s actions. Combined with those other factors, beliefs play a role in making women have babies at far from perfect times.
How do you feel about Miranda’s monologue? Romantic and inspiring, or impractical and geared only towards already-successful, coupled-up ladies like Callie?
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