With a cast of Ivy-league educated female surgeons who work 80-hour weeks, Grey’s Anatomy certainly challenges convention. It’s more than refreshing to see a long list of leading ladies put their careers first. Less refreshing is the backlash they get for doing so.
In a world where women still do more domestic and childcare work than men, it’s no surprise that several husbands on Grey’s pressure their wives to work less and mother more. Fan-favourite Miranda Bailey’s marriage eventually fell apart because her husband, Tucker, couldn’t handle her long shifts. Time and again, he questioned whether Miranda was even “interested in being part of this family.” Tucker’s constant criticism eventually makes even strong-willed Miranda internalize some beliefs about Good Moms (read: mythical women who find 25 hours in a day to provide the perfect balance of support and independence for their kids, all while sacrificing their own needs to ensure their children’s get met). When her son has an accident while she is at work, Miranda blames herself. She thinks it’s her fault because a Good Mom would be there to protect her child. Her friends have to remind her that accidents happen before she can move on.
That even Miranda can be made to feel guilty shows just how strong our belief in the Good Mom is. Rather than showing Miranda trying to uphold this image, Grey’s Anatomy encourages us to empathize with her. We know and love Miranda for being an amazing life-saving surgeon, and the glue that holds the rest of the cast together. We want her to prioritize her career, and we know she can keep saving lives while also being a great mom.
But in this sense, Grey’s Anatomy’s greatest strength is also one of its weaknesses. Miranda is the epitome of a woman who Has It All. At the peak of her career, she remarries, gets promoted to Chief of Surgery, and even manages the drama of shared custody. She’s mastered work/life balance.
In so doing, Miranda’s character reassures women that they can succeed in prestigious jobs while still being happily married Good Moms. It’s an empowering message that’s inspired many. But it also sets the bar unreasonably high. Miranda is exceptional: she’s awe-inspiring and living many women’s dream. But juggling so many demanding roles isn’t realistic for most people.
So, while Grey’s Anatomy applauds successful working moms, some women would be unhappy and unhealthy if they tried to be like Miranda. Feelings of guilt or self doubt might seep in as yet another show depicts a mother successfully filling all the roles we just can’t manage, no matter how hard we try.
Our leading lady, Meredith, helps ease some of these fears. She voices concerns lots of young, professional women have, helping them feel they’re not weird or alone in thinking these things. Much like Miranda, Meredith worries her long hours could make her a Bad Mom. She dreads turning into her own mother: a brilliant surgeon but neglectful mom. Meredith’s husband, Derek Sheppard, occasionally makes off-hand remarks that feed her insecurities. For example, when Meredith frets over all the “mom” chores she doesn’t know how to do, like making lunches and Halloween costumes, Derek replies: “good moms make Halloween costumes.”
Comments like that go to show how arbitrarily we define Good Moms. Whether you hand-sew your daughter’s princess costume or pick one up at the dollar store has little impact on the fun she has trick-or-treating. Things like hand-made Halloween costumes — and organic grocery shopping, homemade post-soccer snacks, and high heels at karate lessons — are rare in our society. Kudos to those moms who love doing these things, but they aren’t prerequisites for Good Mothering.
Think about just how many moms don’t make their children Halloween costumes. Each of these women falls outside of Derek’s definition of a Good Mom. When you think about all of these off-hand remarks, made in all different types of media, they start to add up. Countless examples show that we define Good Moms narrowly. When women don’t live up to the high standards set by real-life celebrities and fictional characters they see in the media, these women come to feel they’ve failed their children.
Grey’s Anatomy paints sympathetic portraits of women who battle these insecurities. It shows how much a seemingly innocent comment can hurt — especially for women who are already anxious about mothering. And, when characters like Meredith eventually overcome their fears and become Good Moms in their own way, the show provides hope for women who are questioning if they have what it takes.
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